Story Time: Tales from the Crapped

Story time. 

Picture it: Knoxville, 2003. Two young female college students embark on a series of trips to play music at various places for various purposes - mostly to the glory of God, and to get better at singing and playing guitar. We had a fantastic time and wherever we went, there was normally food to be eaten. So was the case on that Wednesday evening in mid May.

My friend Adrienne Fuller, then Adrienne Snare, can attest to this account to follow. Consider this the warning that this post is not for those with a weak stomach. Prepare yourself. 

For the sake of not embarrassing the restaurant chain at which this story took place, I will leave them nameless; however readers should know that this particular place is not known for the food item I ordered. When you go to a pancake place, get pancakes. At a steakhouse, get a steak or some other beefy selection. Don't go to a Mexican place and order a burger. 

Adrienne and I were leading the worship songs at a church here in Knoxville in the youth group. The kids were a rascally bunch and we liked them a lot. They had a Wednesday night tradition of going to the same restaurant for some after-church hang out time. On this particular Wednesday evening, Adrienne and I joined in for the food and conversation. Little did I know that my food would soon become a conversation piece. 

Since Adrienne was paying (I'd left my money on campus) I decided to order the cheapest but most filling item I could find on the menu, so naturally, I chose a fish sandwich and fries ... at a breakfast place. The dining room wasn't particularly gross, but it was no Panera. 

The food came out from the kitchen and we were all delighted. I took a few bites of the fish sandwich, which we all know was just mechanically separated fish bits and pieces smashed together and then deep fried. Moments later, The Last Bite was in my hand. The Last Bite of anything should be the best. That's the rule. It should make a statement when it gets chewed and goes down the hatch. The Last Bite should make you exceedingly glad you ate this food item. Not so this time, friends. Not so. Suddenly I felt an unusual but strangely familiar crunchy substance between my teeth. I crunched one or two more times before retching at the table to find that I'd been chewing on a human fingernail. That's right. A FINGERNAIL.  I shudder today writing this. I shudder for a number of reasons.

1. It was jagged. It had clearly been bitten off and then spat into the deep fryer to adhere to an unassuming piece of food.

2. It was a thumbnail. A large, dirty thumbnail. 

3. I chewed it more than once before I found out what it was. We all know how disgusting fingernails are - clean or not clean. 

4. I could easily have swallowed it by accident if I hadn't chewed on it like a toothpick.

When I approached the manager to regurgitated the details of the story, she accused me of lying. She asked me to prove that I had indeed found a fingernail in my sandwich, so I lead her to the final resting place of one of the kitchen workers' solid DNA lying there; a foul testament to the glad truth that I would never, ever, ever eat there again. To this day I haven't returned for more culinary punishment. The upside was that Adrienne didn't have to pay for the "sandwich" 

I hope you've enjoyed this regaling of my misfortune. 

Solitude and the Art of Cooking for One

I intentionally spend time alone (a few hours or a whole day) usually once per week - I call the one day, morning, or evening Heidi Day. Lately my Heidi Days have been filled with both planning and relaxation. I find myself thinking about what direction I want my life to go in. You have to be facing the direction you want to go in. I'm not yet sure, even at 30, what my future is about. I do know a few things: I want to live my life always trying to improve, be debt free someday, continue to pursue music, be a good friend... The list goes on. I think about things like this when I purposely spend time alone. It's important to get some solitude in your time diet. 

Next week will be a month on this journey of restaurantlessness ... That's a new word I've created. Someone asked me what the last food item was that I ate at a restaurant: it was an everything bagel at Panera, sliced and toasted with butter and it was lovely. 

Before I go any further in this post, let me say I'm not saying that restaurant food is bad. There are at least semi-healthy options at most places. The issue I normally run in to is portion sizes and my own inability to ask for a to-go box before digging in to a 4 person portion.  Grocery shopping for one is sometimes a challenge but I've been doing it for so long, I think I've mastered the single persons cuisine. The trick is to break meat items up into single portions if they're not already separated. You can buy tilapia and other fish individually packaged. I buy ground turkey instead of beef, and divide each pound into 4 portions. Easy peasy. I take advantage of freezer space and throw a lot of stuff in there. When it's a turkey burger kind of night, I just take one out and cook it. 

Home cooking has its benefits beyond cost effectiveness and health consciousness. You can choose your own portion sizes and you know what spices have been added. "Is there butter in this? MSG? Is this cooked in olive oil? Did anyone back there kick this steak across the floor before putting on the grill?" Yada, yada. You can control every bit of that if you cook at home without having to wonder if it wasn't cooked the way you really want it done based on either preferences or dietary needs.

Grazing. Food is Fuel

I've been there. That Mexican restaurant that has the chips and salsa I think about all day, and then finally 5:00 comes - it's happy hour. Salted margaritas and those lovely chips and salsa. What could possibly be more delectable? I've enjoyed a few baskets of chips and without realizing how much food I've inhaled, the entrees come and I am beyond full. My dad, and probably someone you may know, calls this mindless mowing, "grazing". And for food reason. 

I used to pick on my dad because he had a dry erase board glued to his fridge that always read, "FOOD IS FUEL!!!" He told me that he had to constantly remind himself that food does not exist to comfort, but to fuel the body. He said food is fuel, not therapy. He admitted that he had been eating his emotions, which I also stated in an earlier post, is an issue for me. All these years later, I stand inspired by his dedication to re-training his mind to treat food like fuel. Pretty much, would you cram a handful of dirt in the gas tank of your car? Heck no. Not unless you're what Judge Judy calls an "idiot" (I love her).... We will perform physically, mentally, even emotionally, according to how we eat. 

Today for lunch I had a salad, and some homemade chicken and rice soup. I also had some strawberries and yogurt. I've been eating oatmeal for breakfast every morning and it keeps me full until around 10:00AM. I've tripled my normal water intake and I can tell a difference in my skin. I wish eating better would stop these gray hairs from sprouting. 

Social Media - Being Present at the Table

Nothing screams to others "you're not interesting or important" louder than scanning Facebook at the dinner table. I don't claim righteousness here: I've done it too. A friend once said to me as I was glued to an article on my phone at her house, "if I wanted to hang out alone, I wouldn't have asked you to come over". I took a defensive stance at first, but I realized she was right. I've done this a million times. How many times have I made someone feel as though their company wasn't worthy of my attention because I couldn't set my phone down? 

Yesterday I was discussing this post with my friend Dennis Sanders, and he shared with me that author and blogger Seth Godin (also founder squidoo.com) stacks his phone in a pile with his friends' phones on the edge of the table when they meet up for food. Whoever looks at his or her phone first has to pay the bill. They are intentional about spending time together, free from the distraction that phones can often pose. 

My challenge is this - the next social setting you find yourself in where food is involved, leave your phone hidden the entire time. Don't even take it out to Instagram the cuisine or check the time. Wear a wristwatch. Just try it once. Phones aren't necessarily the enemy of spending time with people, but they can clearly be a hindrance to engaging in a meaningful conversation. I'd like to try to live in the moment a little better in this way. 

Mint.com and The Baudendistels

So far, this no restaurant food thing has been great. I've made some delicious home cooked meals for myself and I've had a few great meals with friends as well. Food at home with friends or family is just magical sometimes. The conversations are always better at home, too. 

Mint.com - I've used mint.com for 3 years now. They have a great app and I use it multiple times a day. I highly recommend using it to track expenses, see trends, and make budgets. It's great. It is not for the denial-struck. It tells the truth and keeps up with how much money you spend on what. Below is a screen shot of my last three months expenses. There are many dollars in "uncategorized" - these are generally checks, and a few cash withdrawals. It is accurate when it shows that I swiped my card 54 times for food purchases, and I can tell you that maybe 8 of those were for groceries. Ouch. The thing I swiped my card the most for was food. Set up a mint.com account and see what your trends are. 

This evening I had dinner with Pete and Margaret Baudendistel. We had crockpot BBQ chicken, asparagus, sautéed onions, and rice. It was amazing. Our conversation was great. We laughed and caught up on life. Have some friends over for dinner sometime soon! 

Back Fat - It Really Is As Gross As It Sounds

Of all the things that could keep me awake at night, back fat is often the culprit. Everyone has a certain position in which they sleep. Mine is like this: on my stomach, with my left leg drawn up to about level with my hip. Usually this is a great way to get comfortable, except when I've gain too much weight and the skin on my back crinkles up into pretty much an extra pair of butt cheeks. Ew? Yeah, ew. I've tried to make it hilarious when describing this to others because back fat really is as gross as it sounds. I've compared myself trying to fit into my clothes (as heard from comedians) to a can of biscuits busting out, toothpaste being squeezed out... It's all funny until I don't want to hug people because I don't want them to feel just how much extra body weight I'm carrying around. I don't like to be touched that much, and this is one reason why.

Food - the food front is going really, really well. I've had mostly healthy food going down the hatch and I can honestly attest that the types of foods you eat, and the frequency by which you eat has a tremendous impact on all areas of your life. We were created to eat a certain way. Food can mess with your moods. This is why skinny, energetic runners get under my skin. They're generally happy because of how well they feed their bodies, and just by eating healthy foods, they have a better attitude, it seems. I'm kind of joining the healthy living club, though. Eating better will likely add years to my life, and that's a very encouraging thought to have.

I'm genuinely enjoying eating at home. It's made me more social. It's made me more mindful of what I'm eating instead of just mindlessly grazing on whatever is in front of me. I am going grocery shopping tomorrow for the first time since I moved into my new place and I have to say that I'm excited! Let there be grapefruit and lots of protein.

I can't really think of much that I'm missing right now by not eating at restaurants. It's been a lot of fun so far... We'll see how well this is going a few weeks from now.